Wednesday, May 20, 2009

This needs no introduction

Just follow this here link:

However, if you need convincing, it contains pearls like these:

(630): The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.

(502): i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on craigs list.

(804): omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
(804): He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.

561): on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
(914): 11

(212): i want you now
(916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this.

(925): is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Abhorrent behaviour

The thing that has been playing on my mind all week, bizarrely, is this rugby league sex scandal.
I'm sorry but it has taken way too long for Matthew Johns to be condemned and other heads should roll as well.
That this time last week Channel Nine thought they could get away with an apology before The Footy Show started was already pathetic. But then it became completely offensive when Fatty Vautin (or whatever his name is) patted him on the back and said "well said mate".
I'm sorry, no. Not acceptable. As if it was only a problem because the guy got caught. This is a serious issue you douchebags.
And watching Four Corners on Monday told us just how serious. Most telling of all was when reporter Sarah ball-tearer Ferguson said none of the men involved had asked after the girl.
Then the culture of rugby was exposed by those thick-as-fuck young blokes getting sex ed suggesting things like "if you treat em right by putting em in a cab afterwards then it will probably be ok". Terrifying.
Yes, how about you call come round and wank over me while a couple of your mates fuck me sideways and I'll keep quiet as long as you pour me, dripping, into a cab afterwards.
This is a national disgrace and it has been very sloppily handled.

Let this serve as a warning to you all

The whole sordid affair is finally over.
It cost me a grand total of $1500, but my car is back from the dead.
I come bearing advice for young players.
Children of the class of 1997... service your car.

If you don't service your car, you will find yourself 160km from Perth, in the middle of shitcreeknowherefuckmasister with your bonnet up and a wisen, chain-smoking cock of a mechanic giving you a humiliating discertation.
"You've fucked this car," he will say, letting the smoke reel out his mouth.
"When's the last time you gave 'er a service? Sez 'ere due 97,000, you've got 105,000on the clock.
"You've fucken killed this car. Shame. You've only got 105,000 on the clock. You've probably shortened its life by about 250,000 kilometres."
You sir, are a douche. I know it is fucked, I am perfectly aware it is fucked, it has been rattling for the last 50km with the oil light on despite me putting litres of the stuff in it.
All I care about is whether you can fix the fucker enough for me to get home.
"You're kidding right? You ain't going fucken nowhere.
"You've killed this car.
"I can probably fix it for you by Tuesday. Have to get parts from Narrogin. I'll open 'er up for yeh and see 'ow she looked. Probably need a new engine. Probably be a couple of grand.
Well I might be a reporter and not much chop with cars but I do understand research, sir. So I got a second opinion. The RAC came from the next town (having pinched me for $46 for a membership upgrade to cover me for a 200km tow... only to then confirm I needed to be towed 210km, and therefore I was not covered) and towed it to Perth...

...whereupon the princely Gavin The Mechanic fixed my trusty steed. He was also unimpressed with the state of the motor but reckoned it could be fixed for about $500. I said to fix everything that needed doing upto about a grand.
He did.
And he told me killing a car was a rite of passage for a gay boy and not to worry. Apparently we all do it.
From now on though, I shall get my car serviced as regularly as I can. I suddenly drive it with a whole lot more pride and might even get it detailed so it feels like a new beast.
Oh, and I have one last word for that dodgy grease monkey who wanted to charge me for a whole new engine.

Here is the litany of charges from Gavin:

Source engine rattle. Remove tappet cover and check oil pressure - minimal oil getting to hydraulic lifters. Remove exhaust, sump, etc and inspect - oil pickup blocked, oil black and low.
Clean out pick up and check big end and main bearings for wear (OK). Refit sump, etc, reseal tappet cover and fill with 10W/30 oil. Add flush to engine oil and run engine - engine now running quieter.
Carried out service. Changed engine oil and filter and fit new spark plugs (worn). Fit new spark plug leads (engine misses under acceleration) and check all lights, brakes and fluid levels, etc - coolant gone off.
Flush cooling system, fill with coolant and fit new radiator cap. Blow out rear brakes and pump up tyres (spare flat). Remove belts, timing cover, etc and fit new timing belt, cam and crankshaft seals and belt idlers (noisy).
Refit covers, etc and fit new aircon, alternator and power steering belts. Wash down engine and underbody and fit new air filter. Fit new eye level stoplight and LH rego light globes. Check aircon operation, fit new front wiper blades and take vehicle for test run. Fit new aerial mast.
**Bring vehicle back at 106,000km for oil and filter change. Camshaft chain noisy - suspect tensioner full of gunk.

Ouch. My bad.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Horrific bigots

I am absolutely astonished.
The other day we printed something in the gossip column I write for which suggested a speech by a particular MP was, at least, ironic.
At best it was racist.
At worst it was bigoted racist intolerant bullshit which qualifies as racial vilification and for which he should be censured by his leader, the Premier. He won't be of course.
If you want to read it you can do so here.
We suggested it was intolerant, making his website "Putting People First" a little ironic.
The responses to my comments were among the most offensive I have ever read. Here is just ONE paragraph from the most shockingly racist letter:

Our eventual extinction and possible violent holocaust in decades to come is now more a distinct probability than a possibility as our numbers shrink further, our laws refuse to protect us against race-hate crimes and political correctness further silences our voices whilst promoting Anglo-Saxons as the only racist evil ethnic group ever to crawl out of the swamp.

Another woman also suggested a stroll through Lakemba or watching the Channel 7 doco "The Gangs of Oz" would fix my naivety about foreigners.
I didn't quite know how to respond. So I was thrilled beyond all proportion to find this YouTube moment. It says everything I wanted to: