Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Epiphany... it's not just a name for a white-trash baby

So it finally arrived.
I was checking my email innocently enough yesterday and there it was: An email from someone I went to school with, who I haven't given a second's thought to for a decade.
The key word in that sentence is decade.
It was a general notice to all old classmates that our high school 10 year reunion is being held this year.
Call me a grinch but I'd rather drink a cup of cold sick from a birdflu victim than attend this particular event.
A high school reunion has only two purposes.
1) For those who are successful to gloat about how much more successful they are than anyone else.
2) For those who were popular at school to revisit looking down their noses at the people they used to pick-on 10 years before, and make them feel little once again, just as their confidence had finally bounced back.
This is my idea of hell. I totally understand Romy and Michelle making-up the news that they invented Post-Its.
The drama for me is, I want to fit into Group 1 of the above, and I don't think I quite do yet. So I am going to campaign for the reunion to take place AFTER my documentary has gone to air... so that way I shall look successful. I haven't QUITE got to where I want yet. I'm not ready to see these people. I'm on the precipice of something, but I haven't quite reached my goal.
So I'm rolling on the floor in a ball with my fingers-crossed begging for a few more months. Just a few more months. Maybe as many as six. Or indeed, 12.
The biggest problem of all is that I know a lot of the people I went to school with are out there breeding. And for them, having babies is tantamount to "success". This being the case, as a homo, I could never achieve their fucked-up version of success in the first place.
The fact that I don't see "family" as success, but rather "career and experience" as success, does not come into it for them. So I can't win. And they will STILL think they're better than me, just as they always did.
Of course, the fact that their vaginas are no longer tight brings some satisfaction.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

So come along and see my first real gig!

So I'm part of the line-up at this event on Wednesday night! Insane, methinks!

Friday, January 19, 2007

Well, THAT was unexpected!

Last night, in front of 300 people, I achieved one of my life's goals - I gave stand-up comedy a go.

And the bitches laughed. They really laughed. And I was tickled pink.

The judges laughed, too... as it turns out. I WON THE HEAT!!! I'm through to the State Final of RAW Comedy!

There is but one casualty in this story of heady success: My holiday. I'm supposed to still be sauntering around Europe until April 2. The heat requires me to be home by April 1 so I can grace the stage at The Regal.

Every says I should cut the holiday and come home for the final. Perhaps I should. I'll have to see whether I can. It might actually be physically impossible for me to get a flight out of Prague.

Either way, the wonderful Jimmy James has asked if I want to try a set at Lazy Susan's Comedy Den, and another promoter (a real Starr) suggested I have a go at the Laugh Resort, at the Brass Monkey.

Well whether this is the beginning of something or just a one-off, I had a brilliant time. It was so much fun. Thanks to everyone who came along.

End of (indulgent) bulletin.

Big big love, Dan x

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Tonight. It's bloody-well tonight!

Win or lose (almost certainly the latter), laugh or cry (hopefully at least a little of the former), the RAW Comedy competition is tonight and by the time I go to bed I will be able to say I achieved one my life's goals.
I tried stand-up comedy.
Maybe I will try and I will fail. I don't really give a shit about that. What I care about is, I said I would try it, and I did.
I don't mind telling you I'm nervous. Not splatter-shit up the dunny wall nervous, but nervous nonetheless.
Still... I've worked on my material until I think it is as tight as it can be, I've rehearsed and rehearsed so that I know my material, I've timed it so I won't get gonged off... I'm as prepared as I can be.
Now I just need to stay sober between now and 8.30pm...

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

How raw is raw?

I have done something very silly. Very very silly indeed.
In keeping with one of my New Year's Resolutions, I have signed myself up for RAW Comedy.
I have no idea whether I'm funny or not, in fact the answer is almost certainly no, but here I go.
It was a resolution I made to myself a couple of years ago whilst stuck in the wilderness scraping maggots off my dinner before eating it that I decided to live like there was no tomorrow and put myself up there in this manner. So this year, I decided to do it.
I have taken lots of advice from some brilliant stand-up acts - Claire Hooper, Jimmy James Eaton, Alex Manfrenn - and now I'm left up to my own devices.
I think what I've come up with is funny. If you want to come see it is on at 8.30pm at the Hyde Park Hotel, Bulwer Street and Fitzgerald Street, North Perth. Entry $15.
Come watch me die like a bitch.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Spring break

So the holiday is very nearly planned and booked. Dad and I have a meeting with the agent on Monday night.
So far we fly into Edinburgh and spent a few days in Scotland before training it down to London. We have a few days in that city before taking a coach around Stone Henge, Bath and the Lake District. My friend Paul in London is sorting tickets for some big-name shows in the West End. By "big name", I mean big name stars. I may well get to see Dame Maggie Smith again, which I am thrilled about.
From London we head to Paris for three or four days. Enough time to take in The Louvre and jaunt around some of the great landmarks.
From there the train journey begins. We head to Florence via Milan. There'll I'll get to see the home of the Renaissance, which I'm very excited about.
Jumping on the train again we head to Prague with stop-overs in Venice and Vienna.
I'm so excited a little bit of wee is coming out. So exotic. So much fun. So frickin expensive!
Still. You only live once, right?

Friday, January 05, 2007

Possibly the funniest email ever sent by management

"Tracy Godfrey, the astrologer who provided our weekly stars copy has decided to change her direction and as a result she will no longer be in a position to provide them weekly.

I am currently finalising a replacement astrologer / clairvoyant but this may take a week or 2 to implement. Until then please assure any readers who complain the absence of stars in our papers in only temporary.

D. Fisher
Process, Systems & Classified Manager
Community Newspaper Group"

Thursday, January 04, 2007

The Singing Postman Fan Club

It's her willingness to get involved in stuff like this that makes me love Emma Gant more and more with each day. There are too few true loonatics these days.