A Japanese-style tour of Britain

G'day everybody (observing the tradition that as an Aussie in the UK I must suddenly become more Ocker than I ever was at home).

Still in awe of this wonderful island. After our quick circuit of Westminster (that's all we did, but it's okay, we're back in London mid-week) Dad and I jumped on a tour bus with heap of Americans, Indians, Americans, Pakistanis, Americans, Germans, Americans. Did I mention we have Americans on the bus? I don't think there are that many of them, actually, they're just more... obvious... than the rest of us. Remember the Americans, they'll become important later.

Anyway, the bus departed and our first stop was a wander around Hampton Court Palace. Now we didn't go in. We walked outside around the gardens and admired the architecture. I've never been a fan of that Japanese-style "everybody off the bus, snap-take-a-photo, everbody back on the bus" kind of tourism... but it was about this point I realised I was about to get six days of it.

I'm going to get the order all mixed up of where we went, I'm sure, but all you really need to know is I'm back in Edinburgh and got here (with the help of a tour guide with the narrative voice of Ricky Gervais) via:

Stone Henge - omigod, how amazing. There's something history isn't telling us about this place that we really should know. Someone call Michael Sharma or David Starkey, I want a decent freaking explanation for this. Of course the American had an explanation for it.

Bath - Jane Austen country. Home of the old Roman baths. This looks even gayer than it sounds. If the Romans weren't buggering each other senseless here then I'm the Virgin Queen. Found a water fountain erected in 1861, which tickled my fancy a bit. The main Bath was being cleaned at the time and kinda stunk like a sewer. The American would have built it with a filter.

Stratford Upon Avon - Apparently my mother's family used to holiday here when she was a kid. Which sounds ritzier than it is, given she grew-up in a village about 45minutes away if slow horse, heavily-laden. It was just amazing to see Shakespeare's birthplace. Although I should warn, anyone expecting placenta stains will be greatly disappointed. The entire town has become a sort of Shakespeare theme park, which I think is a bit tacky. It's best demonstrated by the toy shop called "Much Ado About Toys". I'm serious. I took a photo. It was here the Most Annoying American Fuckwit of The Century had a photo taken beside a sculpture of Shakespeare's favourite character archetype, the fool. He didn't see the irony and certainly didn't read the quote from As You Like It about a fool thinking he is a wiseman and the wiseman knowing he is a fool.

Chester - I really think this stop was just a conveniently located city for an overnight stay, but I have to say I fell in love with this place, with its old Roman fortifications and original Tudor architecture. It was that kind of stereotypical septred isle set in a silver sea stuff I was looking for. Looking at real estate here. I understand why the Cheshire cat is smiling.

The Lake District - Beatrix Potter and William Wordsworth knew what they were talking about. This is just divine. My favourite place so far. So ridiculously beautiful. Stone fences everywhere, even on ludicrously steep hills.

Birmingham - only drove through it. We didn't stop in case the coach was over-run by highwaymen or we all breathed in too much of the air here. May actually be the ugliest place in England outside of Camilla's night dress.

Gretna Green - ah, the famous smithy where people ran away to get married back in the 18-somethings. This is the best example I've seen in Britain of how not to preserve your history but of how to successfully become a multi-millionaire. The place is now essentially a massive gift shop and food hall and you actually have to reeeeeally look to find the smithy. Couples still get married here, they have a reception centre attached. Apparently it's very romantic... if you're tied to the idea of getting married in the middle of a massive K-Mart.

So back in Edinburgh and looking to head out for my Friday night. Loving the UK sincerely. Especially seeing as I experienced snow for the first time in my life today.

Hope everybody back home is well and thanks to everyone who sent messages. It's great to know what's going on and how everyone is. Sorry I can't reply to you all. It's surprisingly hard to get news from home here. Turn on the TV and I can tell you anything you want to know about horse liveries in Gloucestershire, but could I find out who had died in the Garuda crash? No. (I know now, btw... thanks to The Times).

Much love. Sorry for prattling.
Dan