Faster, higher, stronger commentary

Printed below is the transcript of the Olympic opening ceremony commentary by Bruce Thatsamazing. (An old column of mine from the Advocate in 2004... it's funny if you can remember the opening ceremony).

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the 28th Olympiad here in Athens, birth-place of Oozo… er… the Olympics.
Let’s put paid to the critics who said the venues wouldn’t be ready on time. Have a look at this. The Acropolis. The Parthenon. Mount Olympus. All Olympic venues, all completed well ahead of schedule. Some even in decay.
And the ceremony begins. What have we here? A giant strand of DNA. Not only have the Greeks had time to construct a stadium, they’ve deconstructed the human genome as well. Incredible.
There are little blue pixies flying everywhere. These drugs are great.
And what a wonderful Olympic symbol: a tableau of discus throwers. Harking back to the ancient Olympics. Do we have footage of that? I’m told we don’t. Obviously Channel Seven didn’t have coverage rights back then. That’s a shame.
Oh my Goodness - the Trojan horse! Somebody warn the Athenians. We’re all going to die horribly. Why doesn’t Jacques Rogge do something? Or one of the Gods.
The Gods are all here, too. Betty Cuthbert. Herb Elliot. We worship them all. And there’s Zeus. God of the Gods. Cat in the Hat. Sam I am, green egg and ham.
And now the athletes make their way through the scaffolding and into the stadium. Oh what a marvelous moment of anticipation. What are the athletes wearing? As long as the dive team looks good in their swimming cozies, who cares? Has the local team come dressed in togas? That’d be special.
They’re all here. Ian Thorpe. Grant Hackett. Little Travis Nederpelt. Petria Thomas. Pieter van den Hoogenband. Is he one of ours? Who cares? He is if he wins a medal. We’ll adopt him. Australia’s favourite son. Have the keys to Kirribilli.
And other athletes, too. Some of them aren’t even swimmers. Michael Diamond. Jiana Pittman. Or is she? Maybe not. Hang on… yes she is.
Dawn Fraser: I’m contractually obliged to mention her every fifteen minutes.
Light the cauldron. Athens has taken up Sydney’s challenge. We used a million gallons of water as Cathy Freeman lit a ring of fire. The Greeks have emptied the Agean into the stadium and lit five Olympic rings using a comet. But could the comet win the 400 metres? I don’t think so. The winner is still Sydney. It’s all Greek to me.