Intoxication/Incarceration

IF they come at you with a phone book, duck.
It wasn’t terribly helpful, but it was the best advice I could offer at 3.48 on a Saturday morning.
My mates and I had spent the evening celebrating at the pub, but I’d departed for home and the land of nod early. I’d been inhaling my pillow for several hours when Adam’s text message woke me with a start.
Adam: We got pulled over by the cops. Rache got done for drink driving. We’re locked-up.
It had to be a practical joke. So in my hazy reply I made the crack about the phone book. Being hit with the white pages may not leave a bruise, but his ego was black and blue nonetheless. He telephoned.
A: We’re at the Police Station. I’m locked in reception. I don’t know where Racheal is, they’ve taken her away.
B: Bandyup? Don’t waste your one phone call on me, I’m not paying your bail.
A: What are we going to do?
B: Have you got a tin cup?
A: Huh?
B: Rattle it along the bars of your cell to get the guard’s attention. Ask when they’ll release you.
A: Can’t you do something?
B: I’ll buy you some soap-on-a-rope in the morning.
A: It’s not funny Bolton.
B: How about a cake with a file in it?
A: Can you come and get us?
B: They’ll keep you overnight.
A: But I have to work at eight o’clock!
B: Don’t worry, when they find out about this you won’t have a job, any way.
A: But I haven’t been charged, Racheal has. It’s so unfair, we were nearly home, too.
B: Can you hear yourself? And very gallant, by the way, letting her get behind the wheel. Why didn’t you drive?
A: Actually, the cops were going to let me drive her car home, but then I blew 0.1 as well, so they had to bring us both in.
B: Why didn’t you call me from the pub? I would’ve picked you up.
A: We thought we’d be fine.
B: No, you’re fined!
Seriously fined, as it turned out. Rache is looking down the barrel of a $1000 penalty and a three-month suspension. But, silver-linings, they’ve learned some serious life lessons:
1: If you drink and drive you’re not only a bloody idiot, you’re bloody poor and bloody stranded as well.
2: Cops don’t really hit people with phone books, and
3: Your mates will get more mileage out of your humiliation than you’ll get out of your car for the next three months.