See Paris die

Yesterday I blogged with sadness that every bastard was in Europe except me. One of those bastards is my darling friend Lara. Lara has since emailled me an open letter to the City of Paris, which I share with you now.

dear paris,

i was in our neighbourhood last week and noticed a few points of interest about you. i do believe there might be a few misconceptions held by the world outside of europe so I, with your blessing of course, would like to put the record straight and share with the rest of the world your true character.

You retain your steadfast position within the political sphere... you have helped formed liberalism, assisted in freedom of speech, and you have even assisted the united states in attain a suitable UN resolution for the latest middle east crisis.
you were the one who vetoed invading iraq and you brought france's poverty to the stage in les mis...all of which are commendable efforts.

however, there are some tarnishes, blemishes ...wait whats the word im looking for... oh yeh... STAINS about your moral character. details are as follows:


firstly, you smell like f***king s**t... i cant tell the difference from the stench of your homeless people and the aroma of your sewage that wafts throughout the underground subways. i would hate to have a fight in the streets of paris... not because im afraid of getting raped and robbed (which is also scary) but because i worry that remaining in the streets for too long and exposed to your fumes, i might catch some airborne venereal disease ... and i dont care if thats not possible... anyhting is possible in paris. michael jackson with his airtight mask and his pet monkey and god knows what other rodents would fit perfectly in your backyard
so take a shower and while you're there, why dont you clean up your act?
city of love? my ass! you are the city of porn you filthy hoe.
you are nothing but a sexual deviant parading half-naked women across magazines and selling them as "stlye mags" which brings me to another point.
paris puts the "le" in style... and that is all.
most of the people are that overweight they cant even fit into the designer labels you sell. hey, theres nothing wrong about being overweight..im australian... the second fattest nation in the world! but we dont go whispering to the world that we are the hub of international fashion do we? no! so stop blabbing to your little european union compatriots at your belgium HQ that you are too cool for school, because you clearly are not.

secondly, get an adequate welfare program for your homeless. the "derelique" campaign aint a fashion trend you idiots. whats made for zoolander, stays in zoolander.

thirdly, mate, im telling you, you love tourists. why? cos we spend our worthless cash on your stupid bread and perfume at la fayette galleries. we bolster your economy. you aint the pound... you're the euro... so lets just put it in perspective hey?

you do to speak english...and dont tell me you dont... ive heard you!
so when i ask... where is the prada section please... or .... where is the metro station please.... dont look at me like i'm coolio or some trashy white girl from jerry springer you f**k. why dont you just tell me so i can spend money and then we can all be happy?
and then you can use that money to get some proper freakin toilets, you diarrhea-ridden cesspool.
i go to paris to get away from indonesia...ive already been there once.. no need for an imminent return. so get rid of those "squat toilets" and lets get physical with hygiene.

the lourve is definitely at the helm... the art is amazing and one of your beauties... but did you notice there's hardly even any french art there??!!! its all italian, greek and egyptian... so dont go around declaring your love for culture and the arts... its not even yours you HACK
your eiffel tour rocks... but the bureau de change sucks... your commission is extravagent you filthy greedy frog eating freaks.
be like london.
work a full week, stop striking....stop protesting over every little thing... and save your shouting for the big things... like better health and education... a cleaner city... and embark on a crusade to be nice people you hapless porn-loving psychos.

love lara.

Now I KNOW I'm missing out.