Census for February

Reading: Not really reading anything at this point... perhaps some websites relating to my impending overseas adventures.
Watching: Planet Earth and Top Gear are the only things I don't miss these days. I've alway loved Attenborough, but me watching a car show is a bit out-of-the-blue!
Listening: Lily Allen - as I'm going to see her at the Hammersmith Apollo in London on my birthday! HOORAY!
Downloading: Touring information for the holiday!
Website du jour: Okay I now have a MySpace addiction. I admit it.
Café: Most recently went to Coode Street Cafe... but I don't have a regular haunt at the moment!
Pub: Scotto.
Club: Eh, I can't be bothered clubbing any more. I will go to Geisha to see Lara mix up a wicked Sesame Street "Pinball Countdown" track... but that's it.
Eating: Get it in your guts.
Drinking: Gin. I feel like the Queen Mother. (Only warmer).
Wearing: I have lots of cute new jumpers, jeans, shoes and other clothes.
Last show: Was The Kransky Sisters! Truely the funniest thing I have EVER seen in my entire life!
Next show: I believe that would be Fiddler On The Roof tomorrow night at Burswood. I'm so excited! If I were a rich man, I'd go every night!
Can’t wait ‘til: The trip to the UK and Europe! Five weeks holiday, five weeks overseas!
Lately I have been: Giving stand-up a go and, seemingly, not doing too badly at it!
Most recent scoop: 600 tonnes of offal that had been dumped in landfill. Oh! And four people got charged over that kangaroo death I reported on in October.
Most recent purchase: Thermal underwear. Oh, and new paintbrushes and canvases.
Want but can’t afford: Could still use a new digital dictaphone!
Need but can’t afford: Pretty much nothing. I've sold a lot of shares and done a lot of things that needed to be done!
Last nice act: I tried to make friends with two people who don't like me any more. Neither was appreciative... but hey... I'm absolved of guilt at least.
Last bad act: oh, I can't think of anything. I don't have anything on my conscience at the moment.
Bad news: See previous entry, below.
Good news: Managed to get tickets to both Lily Allen and Equus.
Goal: To have a heap of fun travelling, then concentrate on the comedy when I get back.
Yesterday I: Had the day off.
Right now I should be: Trying to fill the Hills Gazette.
Later today I’m: Catching up with my favourite trolley-dolly Mr Regan L Ashley before he runs off to Dubai to work for Emirates!
Tomorrow I’m: Going to see Fiddler.
General mood: Yeah not too bad really.
It would be better if: We had music in this office. That's what I want... music....

Okay, this sounds pervy...

But as I'm going to London I went looking for West End shows I might like to see. And of course, Equus, starring Harry Potter's Daniel Radcliffe, is THE big show of the year. And there were four tickets left in the stalls on March 14. And I would only need two of them. So I bought them.
So I'm off to see Harry Potter nude, live on stage.
Having sex with a horse.
Or something.
What could be wrong with that? Nothing surely?
It's art. High culture. 48 hours later I'll be scooting around the Louvre. I mean this is a cultural tour of Europe here.
It has nothing to do with seeing Harry Po...

Okay, let's be honest... he's growing up HOT and you're just as curious as I am. Admit it.
The play also stars Richard Griffiths (Pie In The Sky, Withnail and I), which I am thrilled about as I was desperate to see a "big name". So now I'm seeing two!
Two nights before, on the 12th, Lily Allen is playing the Apollo in Hammersmith. I'm rather hoping to go to that two, but there are only about 5000 tickets for all of London and they haven't gone on sale yet. I don't imagine I'm going to fluke getting one. Still, it would be an awesome birthday present if I did.

I vow to fight on!

Dear God,
You've taken another one, you bastard.
Of all the pricks, the cunts, the fucktards and retards on this planet you could have taken, you deemed you needed Alison Miller.
Amazing Alison Miller. Journalist, colleague, friend, mother, compatriot in the war against Spagetti.
Why take a 38-year-old mother? Why take a friend to so many? Why take such a vivacious personality? Why take someone who had so much to live for and so much to give? Why did you need her? Why do you deserve her more than her young family?
Well look after her you bastard. Because a lot of people down here will be coming after you if you don't.
Dan.

Dear Alison,
The War on Spagetti has been boundless fun. Thank you for sharing my passion and making me a better arts journalist. I will continue our good work.
With much much love,
Dan x

I've a taste for it now

In fact, I have a taste for it now like a bitch in heat has a taste for stray dog.
Last night's gig went well. I started with the same material as I used for RAW and they were laughing. I don't know whether it was actual or it's just how I remember it, but the new material seemed to go down really really well. Possibly better than the original stuff.
There were a group of rednecks there including one girl who thought she had the right to heckle every act on stage. I'd already clocked she was homophobic from a couple of interjections earlier... so I went on stage expecting a fight. When she finally said something I felt like she was so on her own that I ignored her. It would have spoilt my joke if I'd stopped anyway. And she was a douche.
I was doing this gag, the setting-up of which required me to explain I was laying on the couch with my boyfriend, kissing and cuddling.
"Leave it there thanks," she said.
Well apart from the set-up explaining that in this scenario I could be either a straight woman or a gay man, however they wanted to imagine it, her interjection was unnecessary.
Anyway. I ignored her.
So in the shower this morning I had my Trippenwitz moment. (You know, when you think of the right thing to say after the event).
Her: Leave it there thanks.
Me: Pardon? What's your name love?
Her: Charlene
Me: How old are you?
Her: 19
Me: Where you from?
Her: Cannington
Me: How many kids you got?
Of course, that's how it played out in my mind. Either way the punchline would be:
Ladies and Gentlemen we have a homophobe in the audience. So which is it love, did your High School boyfriend ditch you for a man or are you a repressed rug-muncher? Like a bit of vadge, do we?
Anyway, I've been booked again. I'm doing Feb 16 at Lazy Susan's Comedy Den. All new material, same old Dan.