A machine that goes ping

I think there is a huge market for this, someone with the know-how could make a lot of money from this idea.
Unfortunately, I do not have the know-how as I am not Japanese.
I want a machine that goes ping.
Well not just ping, I want a machine that goes "boom-boom!" every time some tells a shit joke.
I want a machine that goes "wha-wha-wha-whaaaaaa" every time someone says something that falls flat.
I want a machine that makes that "whammy" sound from Supermarket Sweep every time someone does something dumb (or Ian Turpie tries to enter the room).
I believe the possibilities for this pocket-sized device are endless.
Why not include "strut music" (Like George Baker Selection's Little Green Bag) for when you're marching up the street with a smile on your face and the world feels fantastic?
Why not include a laugh track for when you say something deliriously funny an no-one is there to hear it? Why not include a laugh track for when you say something funny but people ARE there to hear it but they don't laugh and then you remember you work in the MIDLAND office?
And this device could be programmed to introduce sound effects and soundtracks into other parts of your every day life. What if you heard thunderous applause and cheers of encore every time you flushed the toilet, for instance?
What if every time you walked backwards you heard reversing beeps?
What if every time you lit a cigarette it started coughing uncontrollably?
Yes, this idea is gold. Gold I tells ya!